She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
