If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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