you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Congratulations! We have a period
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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