May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You need a sexual gate keeper
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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