Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
