Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
