I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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