Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
