So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
