You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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