hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
