Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
