Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
