So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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