My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
pray to the hookup gods
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
