i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
