Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
