I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
barbara walters just said penis...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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