Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
