420 ftw
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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