did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
