if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
