you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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