Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
