Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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