sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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