Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
