Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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