I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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