The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
