Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
