Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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