I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
