I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
