Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
