Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
