I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
