I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
