Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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