either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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