If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
