my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
