I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
