right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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