he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
