Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
