Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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