I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
