i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
