we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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