I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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