Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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